I finally put all my thoughts and feelings into words. I never thought I would be able to. It took me nearly a year to finally accept what we went through and to realize that God has a plan for us all.
It was a regular Tuesday morning in the summery month of August last year, (August 23, 2011), as I make my way to my cubicle to begin the work day. Nothing different, nothing out of the norm. Lunch hour approaches and I call my sister so we can meet up for a bite to eat. I meet her in the restroom of our company building. I'm describing to her these weird pulses I was feeling on the tip of my abdomen. I figured it was the beginning of my cycle. I have always been irregular and therefore 2 weeks early or 2 weeks late was no surprise to me. So I go on and use the restroom and sigh!! I ask my sister to please get me a tampon because I "knew" it was TOM knocking. She rushes off and gets me a tampon only for me to tell her to keep it. It was not TOM!! Just some spotting that was also very normal for me throughout all 30/31 days of the month!
As we both make our way to the lunch room, my sister is on the phone with her best friend. She is describing to her my "pulses" and her response was "Oh that is probably implantation cramps". My sister begins to laugh and says "It can't be, because she is spotting so she is probably just getting her period." Her friend responds, with a smirk "You mean implantation bleeding?" At this point I wanted to rush home and take a home pregnancy test (hpt). I have been wanting and desiring to have a child since I can remember!! But I also did not want to get my hopes up. Besides, we had been "preventing" it. Or so we thought!
I get home that night and ask that my husband go buy an hpt. You know how you are supposed to take them in the am? Well I was desperate and took it around 8pm that night. And guess what?! A BIG FAT POSITIVE!! I was in denial and took another one! Yup, another BFP! The lines were a bit confusing so I still was not 100% convinced.
I went to work the next day and the rest of the week as if nothing. The weekend approaches and on August 26, 2011 a Friday night I take another hpt. You guessed it, another BFP. My husband and I decided to wait until the next morning (Saturday, August 27, 2011) to go and buy an hpt for dummies. You know, the one that reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant". I had had enough with guessing the lines. That Saturday morning I tested again and it read "PREGNANT" so we decided to accept it and finally believe it. We told my parents, siblings and his parents and siblings. The rest of that Saturday started to become the best day of my life. We called up every immediate family member to share the news! Everyone was ecstatic and us, well we were living the dream!
We go on the weekend happier than ever and feeling so blessed. We began to share the great news with our closest friends. My diet was put on hold and my work out too. I started prenatal vitamins and watching what I was eating to ensure that the baby would benefit from all the fruits and veggies I would consume. So quickly the weekend went by and we prepare to start another work week.
Monday morning I decide to tell my supervisor and boss so they are well aware of the doctor appointments I will be scheduling. My first one was for that Friday, September 2, 2011 for an ultra sound and blood test to make sure everything was on the right track. My mom, mother-in-law and husband joined me at the appointment. As the tech begins to perform the ultra sound we notice we cannot see anything. I begin to freak out, but he calms be down. He starts to explain that since it was still so early in the pregnancy I would not be able to see anything. They draw blood and now the waiting begins. I get a call from my husband the next morning congratulating me as the doctor confirmed with him that we are in deed expecting our first miracle. I was ecstatic as if it was the first time finding out of my pregnancy. The doctor confirms I am 5 weeks pregnant.
A week later, on Friday, September 9, 2011, I was experiencing some cramps and heavy bleeding so my husband rushed me to the ER. They hook me up and all I can see and hear are nurses in and out of the room poking me as if I was a doll. The nurse performed a PAP test and stated that my cervix was closed and in the right position. That everything seemed to be normal and that the heavy bleeding could be from it being my first pregnancy. As we are getting ready to leave the ER the nurse on call confirms that my hcg levels are rising and we were able to see the yolk sac and embryo on the ultra sound monitor. Both my husband and I smiled and I the feeling of relief shortly took over my body. The doctor prescribed 3 days of bed rest; however, I decided at this point to take the rest of the week off of work. The weekend went by and I was resting, legs up, making sure to eat and hydrate every hour. I had a restful weekend.
That Monday morning, September 12, 2011, as I wake up all I can remember is that the pain on my abdomen got so overpowering that all I can scream was "I want to die." My husband tried to calm me down but it was not use. My parents rushed to the house to see if they can help out. I was vomiting and cramping. I, myself, looked like a fetus in the womb from the posture I could not move from. My husband carried me to the car and we rushed again to the ER. This whole time all I can ask myself was "How can the doctors state that everything is ok?" I have never been pregnant but I know that the cramps I was feeling and the bleeding that was occurring was not one of a "normal" pregnancy. This has now become from being the best time of my life to the worst day of my life.
We arrived at the ER and again the poking commences. Ultra sound shows nothing and my hcg levels have dropped dramatically. I was then experiencing a miscarriage. My heart felt so empty and my emotions were all over the place. To have gone from seeing a pea to emptiness in just one week is indescribable. My feelings cannot be put into words. My husband, mom and I drive back home and I just lay myself to sleep for the rest of the week.
There was nothing I wanted to do, nothing I wanted to eat and nothing I wanted to say as it had been the most draining experience of my life. I never spoke of it nor did I explain it so detailed up until now that I know God put me on this earth for a purpose and I know that there are no obstacles that he puts me through that he knows I cannot handle. This experience made me that much stronger and it made my relationship with my husband much stronger as well. And not to mention my relationship with God was a clearer one. My faith grew stronger and my love for my unborn miracle will forever hold a place in my heart.
I will never be able to put into words what I felt and the pain I felt. No one will ever know exactly how I felt. I truly believe that God gives women the blessing to have a child yet to not remember the pain of child birth is so that we may again bring another miracle to this world.
From that experience forward everything I read about was on pregnancy. Everything I saw was on child birth. And every woman I ran into was an expectant mother. I felt horrible and I kept wanting to blame myself for it all. The prayers of being blessed with a child came to a stop. The talks I would have with my family on conceiving a child stalled. To me I was dead inside and the thought of ever going through what I had just gone through again was unbearable. But the questions never stopped; "When are you guys trying again?" "How much longer are you going to wait?" "Don't wait too long, you're not getting much younger?" "When are you going to make your parents grandparents again?" "Stop being selfish and conceive already." Some people just didn't understand and didn't get it. What we went through did not just go away over night or after a full night's rest. What we went through will forever be in my mind and in my heart.
I contemplated going to a psychologist many, many times. I believed I needed someone to talk to; to help me with my emotional drain and the emptiness that those short 7 weeks had built up to. My family was definitely a strong support system, but I felt I needed professional help. The constant anger I carried inside towards others expecting babies or that constant battle I had with myself was overpowering and I could only imagine it getting worse. My husband then asked that we start going to church and start praying, as it had been a while since we had. It is then that I realized that I am truly blessed and that God was always with me. He blessed me with the amazing family I have who held my hand throughout it all and with the amazing husband a woman could ever ask for. I would not have been able to get through it all without them by my side. My faith grew stronger and not even professional help can give me the fulfillment in my heart and soul that mass did every week.
For all of you ladies out there who have experienced a miscarriage I will share these words of advice: God puts us through challenges in life. God allows everything to happen for a reason. Circumstance will either direct you, correct you or perfect you. And one phrase I learned to truly believe, not to just read it and make myself think I believe it, but for my heart to truly believe the meaning of it is:
"God has perfect timing; never early, never late. It takes a little patience and faith, but it's worth the wait."
I may still have unanswered questions but I know that when I put my faith in God everything just falls right into place. It may sound a bit odd, but I am thankful God chose me to go through what I went through as it taught me to appreciate more, love more and to have faith. Something I seemed to have lost along the way.
My unborn miracle now watches over my husband and I. That little bean is now our little angel.
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